home.

thank you for today. the rain melted the rose-tinted glass, and somehow even with all the imperfections, the moments felt more beautiful. we somehow keep crumpling moments in our palms, laughing the pain away. treating them as if they were just trifles. today was different. the moments, you and the little red staircase are turning into home. home i cannot let go of. home, i'll keep returning to.

home. how can i forget home? home. how can i let go?

i'll take you with me. someday.

because you are HOME.

in search of blogsubjects.

i have been searching for blogsubjects to write on recently. yes, really. i mean there is a perpetual dearth of blogsubjects, don't you think? like there's a perpetual dearth of goodlooking, intellectual, sensible and chivalrous men. i've planned to start dating men with the aforementioned qualities but, sadly, they are hard to find. either they're taken or they don't exist. not that i've looked everyplace. i want to begin with fiji, botswana and places suchlike. in all probability, i WON'T find any goodlooking, intellectual, sensible and chivalrous men. i think they're more blogsubjects than are nicemen. but oh, bother!

anyway, where were we? blogsubjects, yes. the photo blog is easier to update, y'know. just upload a randomlyclickedpicture, put a catchy tagline and add a footnote. people are impressed at your photography skills and relatives are curious as to why you've suddenly taken to try your hand at random photography. or photography of any kind, for that matter. they treat photography as if it were rocket science, and you being a poor, little humanities student wouldn't be able to manage it. ha! so, the photoblog always has an easy update. i do have a poetry blog.. but i'm abstaining from poesy for a while. i haven't been philosophical/romantic/dark in quite sometime now. i have been making a fool of myself, though. i could write about all that in this blog, of course. or, how i get shouted at after i wake just before noon. actually, it's frustrating for my parents to have an incorrigible kid like me in the house. so, they're sending me off. to college. they could have got me married too, right? but then, no nicemen, remember? they are all extinct.

i prettymuch think i'm worse to my blog than to my parents. at least when they call me/shout at me, i tend to reply in monosyllables. i don't care to give my poor lil bloggie-doggie an update mostofthetimes. i wouldn't mind filling it up with blogthings but then.. it'll be too harsh of me, that way. so, like i said, i could fill this blogpost up with the details of a recent faux pas. in anycase, i have filled up most of it with trash. plus, ma's calling me to go off to bed. ha! there'll be nightshift kotha-barta now. about which she doesn't know. i have ranted enough.

* grins and goes offline *
* picks up phone and gives a happywappy look *

You Are a Colon

You are very orderly and fact driven. You aren't concerned much with theories or dreams... only what's true or untrue. You are brilliant and incredibly learned. Anything you know is well researched. You like to make lists and sort through things step by step. You aren't subject to whim or emotions. Your friends see you as a constant source of knowledge and advice. (But they are a little sick of you being right all of the time!) You excel in: Leadership positions You get along best with: The Semi-Colon

What Punctuation Mark Are You?

You're Confident...Sometimes

You can seem confident when the occasion calls for it But inside you may be experiencing a bit of self doubt A little more inner confidence could take you far... And convince others that you're as confident as you try to seem

Are You a Confident Woman?

You Sometimes Hold a Grudge

You aren't exactly vengeful, but you're not going to forget when someone wrongs you. And while you'll forgive the small things, you don't hand out too many second chances to people who really screw up.

Do You Hold a Grudge?

rant.

this is going to be a weird post. like all of them. i pretty much won't make any sense here. plus, it is four in the morning, and i am not supposed to make any sense whatsoever at this time of the night. i used to go to sleep around this time during the boards, and even before them because.. well, i had to try and study. the routine stuck on. until, i think, last month when Baba decided to force me to bed by twelve. it didn't work, folks. i was awake every night talking to a few friends about practically nothing. and nothing includes settling scores(yes!), fighting about old fights, getting depressed about college admissions, talking about long lost loves(ahem!), and yes, hear A and S romance on the phone(other people coo-chi-cooing is bad when you don't have anyone to coo-chi-coo..).

i was awake tonight as well talking to BB who is an absolute moron and when he suddenly hung up made me pensive. very very pensive. when i've listened to Ticket To Ride(the Carpenters' version) and Coldplay's Trouble about four times each, you must know that i'm thoughtful. i have never ever been so hesitant in my entire life. yes, i have had those weird conflicts in my mind, but then i've sorted them out as well. but this time, it's different. it makes me shudder thinking how life will turn out if i don't take the right decision. yes, i think toomuch about the future. way too much, in fact. so much so that it has started to eat me up from the inside. i feel emotionless and indifferent sometimes.

and i don't think i have told this to many people, but i don't like the way i have become. i was a much satisfied person over a year ago. i absolutely DON'T like the changes in me. i think i pretend. pretend to be smiling when i am NOT happy at all. i lie to myself that way. i love some people so much that i have forgotten to love myself. silence is deafening, the earphones with blaring music are a solace. pretentious yes.

so, i don't like myself. not one bit. i could have been a better person. when i look into the mirror, all i see is a someone who died trying to win the war of words. and it went nowhere. noone really won. words only manipulate the truth. they distort everything. people. relationships. lives. memories. and all these years, when i thought i was good with words i was manipulating things.. distorting them to make them the way i want. i suddenly realize i am not the person i wanted to be. i have waded in too far and now, i seemed to have lost my way.

pretentious. indecisive.

and there's more to follow. i hide. not escape. i just hide. in my shell. it's a weirdly nice feeling to hide. from people. from situations. i have not been able to hide from feelings, though i have been trying. yes, maybe that is escaping. i want to be a vagabond. i think that's the reason, i hide. a vagabond doesn't have as much baggage as a traveler. while a traveler finds freedom in bonding, a vagabond finds freedom in the skies.. a vagabond flies. a vagabond loses his way. a traveler uses his map. vagabonds just go where the roads take them.

i think i want to lose myself. the present self that i am. i don't like it much. though that doesn't change the fact that i either have to take certain decisions that change my life or leave them the way they are and come back to them around six-seven years later. either ways there is a possibility i might lose something.

confusion. panic.

i think i really need the anonymity i will get in a few days.

something i found.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness
That most frightens us.

We ask ourselves
Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.

Your playing small
Does not serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking
So that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine,
As children do.
We were born to make manifest
The glory of God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us;
It's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,
We unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we're liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.

- Marianne Williamson

i cannot stop laughing at myself right now. i see the screen flicker and shake. nimno chaap or tears? ha! this has happened before and will happen again and again. and again. you cannot blame tomorrow for it. and just stop laughing and crying ek shaathe. you like a BIG ##@@@%^^&&*!!!!

bachem

for a moment today, i thought that the scarlet sky, blushing like a bride, was in your eyes. your dreamy-eyes eyes were like the sky on obscure, rainy evenings. crumpled tissue paper clouds on the canvas of sepia. and then tears. rain.

i wanted to kiss the rain away. fill your eyes with the sunshine they deserve. is it loneliness that fills your eyes with rain? is it the feeling of living alone, nowhere to cry? whom will you run to in the end? will you be the vagabond, you aren't supposed to be? who will play hide-and-seek with you? who will call you names and run back to you at the end of the day? who will stare at those eyes?

today as we stood in the darkened shadows of the abandoned wall, i could see your eyes. scarlet eyes. tears. today we didn't chase cars. instead we sat in the corner, on the stairs of the old building and saw life scurrying by. somehow the tunes in my head made sense. and i was wishing it would last. last forever?

things change. hope melts into despair. but somehow in your eyes my faith in myself, in life and the world remains intact. hope lingers. your eyes. never let them fill with tears. the glitterglitter is what makes them unique. what makes you unique.

i don't want to go away but i am. i hope i don't lose those eyes, bachem.

wonderwall-ing.

i had never thought that i'd ever see him get so weak. he's always been like a wonderwall to me. turning up the sun for me and telling me to keeping dreaming. never let go of your dreams, he said all of last year when i seemed to have lost all my strength. when i was almost turning into a bulimic he screamed on the phone and forced me to finish my meals on time. when i wasn't studying, he'd tell me how much faith ma-baba had in me and how proud he'd be to see me doing well. during fever, i was forced to gargle and have suprimox every night...

today it was different. one of those midsummer afternoons when the sun cloaks itself and refuses to shine. he refused to shine today. wonderwall tumbling down. are you feeling down today? keno? i knew why, yet i asked. then, we spoke. we've spoken like that before and we'll do it again and again. he needed some wonderwall-ing from me today. and i'd be there i told him. forever. even if we stay in different cities later because in the end we're just siblings born apart. and he's the bestest bhai in the universe.

and bestest bhai isn't weak. he's just tumbled down a bit. we'll get him back to form again,won't we? i need a bulldozer to dent me, he says. love and godbless.

you're just sounding like a concerned sister. that really made my day. love you. hugs.

again.

i've started blogging again. today. though i really don't know how long i will, or how long i can continue. things have started getting all messedup again. and all i can do is stand in one corner and stare. no, not that i cannot do anything about them or anything. it's just that i'm tired. tired of everything around me. no, i haven't lost my patience. in fact, in the last year i have known how patient i can be with people, with situations, with silence, with life. i know i can still fight. fight even more than before. but the will to do so is gone. i'm starting to let go. beginning to run away. from people. from myself.

i used to have certain rituals before. you know, like the obsessive-compulsive ones. i've begun to lose them. something tells me i'm becoming rather numb. not insensitive. just numb. i feel, yes. but i don't act. yes, i'm losing my rituals. i'm losing the me.

confused. i am NOT running around in circles anymore. this time i'm running away. so says my orkut profile. believe me, i don't know what i mean. i am not even sure whether i make sense to myself, let alone others.

i went for a trip last week to another city. i might be in that city for the next few years. i don't and i repeat, i DON'T like the place. the trip was bad. it got me thinking about random silly stuff. got me very morbid. got me ill. i have fever now. a veryvery sore throat. i have lost the zest to write after the trip. i witnessed something really traumatizing on the train. it's gonna leave an indelible mark, yes. i thought a lot on the train. and slept even more. and i really don't care if i'm not making any sense. i want to make sense but it's not working out.

so i guess i'll write later. a little later. when i make more sense and don't have such puffy eyes and stop sneezing so much.