Sunday, June 8, 2008

again.

i've started blogging again. today. though i really don't know how long i will, or how long i can continue. things have started getting all messedup again. and all i can do is stand in one corner and stare. no, not that i cannot do anything about them or anything. it's just that i'm tired. tired of everything around me. no, i haven't lost my patience. in fact, in the last year i have known how patient i can be with people, with situations, with silence, with life. i know i can still fight. fight even more than before. but the will to do so is gone. i'm starting to let go. beginning to run away. from people. from myself.

i used to have certain rituals before. you know, like the obsessive-compulsive ones. i've begun to lose them. something tells me i'm becoming rather numb. not insensitive. just numb. i feel, yes. but i don't act. yes, i'm losing my rituals. i'm losing the
me.

confused. i am NOT running around in circles anymore. this time i'm running away. so says my orkut profile. believe me, i don't know what i mean. i am not even sure whether i make sense to myself, let alone others.

i went for a trip last week to another city. i might be in that city for the next few years. i don't and i repeat, i DON'T like the place. the trip was bad. it got me thinking about random silly stuff. got me very morbid. got me ill. i have fever now. a veryvery sore throat. i have lost the zest to write after the trip. i witnessed something really traumatizing on the train. it's gonna leave an indelible mark, yes. i thought a lot on the train. and slept even more. and i really don't care if i'm not making any sense. i want to make sense but it's not working out.

so i guess i'll write later. a little later. when i make more sense and don't have such puffy eyes and stop sneezing so much.

4 comments:

little boxes said...

i am sure things will work out soon
all you need is a faith and a lot of hope :)
p.s:you forgot to blogroll blue!!

Moon Strummer said...

little boxes
hope so too.
p.s.:i've added him.see see.

supertramp said...

very well expressed post. All I can say is, it's getting better all the time.

And as for the rituals, don't you fret for one second. You've just outgrown your old ones because their need is done. Pretty soon, you'll have new ones. Trust me, even if you consciously try to avoid rituals, they will creep in, stay their duration, and leave you when their work is done.

Moon Strummer said...

@supertramp
:) what can say? i'm learning.and about the rituals part,i completely agree. :)