Friday, June 27, 2008

rant.

this is going to be a weird post. like all of them. i pretty much won't make any sense here. plus, it is four in the morning, and i am not supposed to make any sense whatsoever at this time of the night. i used to go to sleep around this time during the boards, and even before them because.. well, i had to try and study. the routine stuck on. until, i think, last month when Baba decided to force me to bed by twelve. it didn't work, folks. i was awake every night talking to a few friends about practically nothing. and nothing includes settling scores(yes!), fighting about old fights, getting depressed about college admissions, talking about long lost loves(ahem!), and yes, hear A and S romance on the phone(other people coo-chi-cooing is bad when you don't have anyone to coo-chi-coo..).

i was awake tonight as well talking to BB who is an absolute moron and when he suddenly hung up made me pensive. very very pensive. when i've listened to Ticket To Ride(the Carpenters' version) and Coldplay's Trouble about four times each, you must know that i'm thoughtful. i have never ever been so hesitant in my entire life. yes, i have had those weird conflicts in my mind, but then i've sorted them out as well. but this time, it's different. it makes me shudder thinking how life will turn out if i don't take the right decision. yes, i think toomuch about the future. way too much, in fact. so much so that it has started to eat me up from the inside. i feel emotionless and indifferent sometimes.

and i don't think i have told this to many people, but i don't like the way i have become. i was a much satisfied person over a year ago. i absolutely DON'T like the changes in me. i think i pretend. pretend to be smiling when i am NOT happy at all. i lie to myself that way. i love some people so much that i have forgotten to love myself. silence is deafening, the earphones with blaring music are a solace. pretentious yes.

so, i don't like myself. not one bit. i could have been a better person. when i look into the mirror, all i see is a someone who died trying to win the war of words. and it went nowhere. noone really won. words only manipulate the truth. they distort everything. people. relationships. lives. memories. and all these years, when i thought i was good with words i was manipulating things.. distorting them to make them the way i want. i suddenly realize i am not the person i wanted to be. i have waded in too far and now, i seemed to have lost my way.

pretentious. indecisive.

and there's more to follow. i hide. not escape. i just hide. in my shell. it's a weirdly nice feeling to hide. from people. from situations. i have not been able to hide from feelings, though i have been trying. yes, maybe that is escaping. i want to be a vagabond. i think that's the reason, i hide. a vagabond doesn't have as much baggage as a traveler. while a traveler finds freedom in bonding, a vagabond finds freedom in the skies.. a vagabond flies. a vagabond loses his way. a traveler uses his map. vagabonds just go where the roads take them.

i think i want to lose myself. the present self that i am. i don't like it much. though that doesn't change the fact that i either have to take certain decisions that change my life or leave them the way they are and come back to them around six-seven years later. either ways there is a possibility i might lose something.

confusion. panic.

i think i really need the anonymity i will get in a few days.

4 comments:

little boxes said...

yes we,who have earned that anonymity,love it and believe me,you will begin to miss it when you are back in your sea of known faces
p.s:i am back and have chicken pox

Moon Strummer said...

ah! yes.. anonymity.. i love mine. but then,i want both anonymity and belonging.

i think i am just plain confused.

Gopinath said...

Wow! That was too strong for words!

Moon Strummer said...

hmm..